Spookiness

There were four of us in the support group meeting. Four of us who bonded over full-term losses. Four women of varying ages and backgrounds remembering the others' losses as if it were their own. At a rememberance ceremony sponsored by the local major hospitals, I saw them (with bumps). Three of us are quietly hoping for little miracles at the beginning of the new year. I was so happy to hear their news but in the back of my mind I could hear that song from Se.same Street -"One of these things just doesn't belong here..." Three out of four really isn't that bad except when you're the fourth.

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Post-op visit was ok. Doc told me to wait a year before trying to conceive again due to "all the moles". Dude. Did you just call my babies moles? JP was NOT a mole! A year? Seriously?
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I'm on the pill. HA!
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That's it for general suckage updates. I hate to say it but life pretty much sucks right now. It almost feels like almost a year ago but worse if you can imagine worse. I'm bigger, slower, weaker, older and much sadder. I miss all of you though. Happy Halloween! No more tricks please.

Sad news...again

I wanted to be able to post about a great scan and wrapping up the end of my first trimester. I really did. Of course, I know that my wishes don't necessarily come to fruition. I had my first OB visit on Friday where he promptly shuffled me into the ultrasound room for a quick peak.
When the nurse left the room, I knew. My husband knew. Doc looked at me and said:

"I do not see a heartbeat. Looks like this may have happened a week ago. You'll be my first patient on Monday morning for a D-C. It really is just the most horrible of luck and I'm sorry."

At least he didn't tell me that "the next one would be a good one" as I've heard from previous docs. I'm disappointed but ok. Remember, I secretly knew how this would turn out. The fates snuck in at the eleventh hour (eleventh week actually)-just as I was about to dance a jig for prevailing through trimester uno. Those beyetches sucker punched me yet once again.

I'm down for the count. Monday, I'll ask doc for a script for birth control. My uterus simply cannot take any more. I cannot. I wonder how do those women who have 18 children in a row do it? Is there a secret that I haven't learned? Ugh. I better run. I'm getting ugly now.

Seven

It is said that the number seven is a number of completion. A perfect number revealing the totality and significance. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers-Seven wonders of the Ancient World, seven heads on the apocalyptic beast that I pass time drawing and re-drawing ever since I read Niobe's post on The Beast from the Sea , even creation of the world in seven (possibly very long) days. Seven is the number that marks this pregnancy. I have two children but am pregnant for the seventh time. If I seem repetitious, it's because it astounds me. How in bloody hell does someone escape that? One thing is for sure, whatever the outcome, this pregnancy will complete the series of my reproductive nightmares. I will throw in the towel and burn my longstanding dream of a huge family. I will somehow find peace and contentment in what I have now and resist the pursuit of more. Reading Julia's post scared the bejeebies out of me this morning. I'm terrified for her and for all of us who are just waiting and being tortured in the meantime. I'm tired of being keenly aware that the air around me is always thin and of hormone levels and of no-margaritas-for-you-A., and pro.gesterone lozenges and "that-the-one-who's-baby-died-last-year" looks from people at work. I want to read things again that aren't dripping with sorrow and the loss of innocence.
Now it could be that I'm just being bitchy because I had to sit through this last night with my husband and his friends (SOBER I might add)-but I don't think so. Ladies (and gents), there are fewer things sadder than glancing at middle-aged fans flashing middle-aged boobs to middle aged rockers. Seriously. I wanted to say novenas for them all-my husband included. But I digress. The long and short of it all is that I really want to live the rest of my life instead of planning it! So, for now we wait-thirty weeks more or possibly thirty minutes more. Either way, this story* will only have seven chapters.


*the estimated date of arrival is 3/1/9 which puts me close to 8 weeks along I think.

No Air

Hcg levels are up. However, prgesterone levels have fallen since last week. My "symptoms" are diminishing as well. Yes, there is a heartbeat. At least there was one this morning. We're trying supplementation but wouldn't you know it, the pharmacy won't have it until tomorrow due to the fact that it has to be "compounded" so it will be another day before I can start the regimen of eating hormones every eight hours. I'm surprisingly well prepared for the worst when it happens. Really, I am. I'll just be a complete wreck if the little pole actually hangs on. Keep breathing for me.